To grieve and to grow (Part 9)

This is my story of my marriage to an abuser. This post was written in real time, when my estranged husband gave me an ultimatum back. In an email, in October 2013, he told me he wasn’t going to change, and to take it or leave it. Obviously, I had to leave it. This post reflects my thoughts at the time, as a picture of what it feels like when a marriage ends. I had to grieve its end.

It was shortly after this that I saw a lawyer and started court proceedings.

Warning: descriptions of violence and abuse may be triggering.

For Part 1: Back to the Beginning
For Part 2: For Better or For Worse
For Part 3: Moving and More
For Part 4: Going Downhill
For Part 5: Changes.. and Hope? 
For Part 6: An attempt at reconciliation
For Part 7: Here we go again.. 
For Part 8: Marriage and mayhem

Continued…

As it stands right now, my marriage is over. My soon-to-be-ex husband views me as an object to get something from, as opposed to a person he can give to and who will give in return.  After 3 years now in counselling, my counsellors have told me that I should just go ahead and end the relationship.

I have been grieving this loss. I have lost not only my marriage, but my hope has died, my dreams are beyond reach, and my family is broken. Actually, I wonder if the death of a spouse would be better, because I would rest in the knowledge that my spouse loved me, even though he was gone. My husband doesn’t love me, and doesn’t want to, and that hurts worse than any physical attack.

It’s over, so I grieve.

I grieve the hope of a shared future, of future children. I mourn the loss of plans we — apparently just me, in reality — had, of making this house a home, of learning and growing and developing as a family. And I feel lost, thinking about the impact we could have had, the influence and the ministry we might have had.  I feel robbed of security, of hope, of love and trust. Honestly, I wish things were different.

I admit that I expected more and I am disappointed. I feel foolish too, because I look back and wonder if I had made different choices, would I be in this position, and I know I could have changed things. So I have regrets, and at the same time, I am grateful.

As much as it hurts to end a relationship, there is a sense of relief too. The pain of an unfulfilled relationship is over. The abuses and hurts inflicted on me have ended, and I have the space and freedom to heal.

I am grieving… but I am growing.

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